Obituary: The Death of Hope for a Female Late-Night Host

DEATH NOTICE

Hope for a female late-night talk show host on a major network passed away peacefully on Monday, March 30th, 2015, surrounded by stand-ups, bloggers and assorted sidekicks. Hope was born on October 9, 1986, when The Late Show with Joan Rivers premiered on FOX. Promising but brief engagements to Wanda Sykes and Whitney Cummings ended awkwardly. A loving relationship with Chelsea Handler lasted seven years.

Hope struggled during her short life, gaining a foothold in sketch comedy and sitcoms, but fell to her death while trying to make the leap to late night, comically bouncing off an awning before landing in the street, where she was run over by a Duesenberg driven by a man racing to a denim shirt sale. Hope was an avid observer of everyday life and looked forward to reflecting the experiences of the entire population.

Funeral services will take place in the hearts of aspiring female comedy performers and writers on April Fools’ Day. Internment will last twenty years, or another generation of turnover. Special thanks to the caring staff of UCB and Apatow Productions. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media. Survivors include several brothers named Jimmy, and two sisters, Hope for a female President and Hope for equal pay.